When you ask me how I am today...

When you ask me...if you want to, not that anyone ever does, how I am today, I could tell you quite a lot about me.

I could tell you how I hate myself.
How I look into the mirror and cry but most of all feel disgusted with what I see.
How I scan Facebook everyday and feel that every biting comment is about me.

How I look in the closet and see this is all I am able to wear. 

How I have thought quite a lot about jumping of a building.
How I compare my failures to my friends achievements.
How I go to sleep, begging not to wake up.

How I wait everyday...just waiting.
How I wish I could just disappear.
How I am drifting away from everything.
How I cry so hard, that I can't breathe.

How I desperately need self-control. 

How I'm starting to feel absolutely nothing for my fiancee. 

How I relive my failures in my nightmares and cry about them in my sleep.

How I have to create imaginary friends to feel safe and sound. 

How I came close to death every night by staring at these pills. 

How I longed to hear words of acknowledgement from my father. 

How I am sensitive to people's reaction towards me. 

How I want to just screw everything and give up. 

But I won't. 

When you ask me...if you want to, not that anyone ever does, how I am today, what I would really tell you is "I'm fine" and smile a sweet sad smile while immediately changing the topic. 

I am Wall. Tall and breakable. Hear me crack.

Today in the life me, I'm experiencing a huge major emo moment. I'm so pissed off. However, being me, you can't actually show that you're pissed off. You have to plaster on a happy face for everyone, since I am at Kampung. Besides, my cousin is getting married in two days. I don't want to spoil the mood with my anger or rage.

What am I angry about?

Well, it wasn't due to recent set of events. I'm like a walking time bomb. Events that happens days, months maybe years ago can detonate me any time. In this case, it was due to events that happened...I didn't know when but I'm only starting to get affected by it now. Like, majorly affected.

:(

You start to realize that you're like a wall.

I don't have to describe a wall to you, right? Yup, thought so. Though just for the sake of explaining and explaining only, I'll do so.

A wall is there to hold the structure of your building together. If you don't have walls, then you wouldn't have a home. You are highly dependent on walls. It protects you from prying eyes of the world. It gives you a sense of security. Gives you privacy and protection to your secrets. It gives you comfort from the hail, wind, sleet and snow. It gives you quite a lot and you take it with open hands.

However, do you really notice how walls, given time, will crack and crumble on the inside?

The answer: No.

No, you really don't notice it. You just ignore those walls.

Oh don't get me wrong. You appreciate these walls but you never really notice how they are hurting as well.

Well, fyi world, they do. They really do hurt. They hurt a lot. They need comfort and affection too. They just can't take all your dirty little shits and fucked up life all the fucking time.

Which we come right back to my situation. I always have to listen to people's problems. But, do people listen to mine? No. They keep saying : Oh, Nadia! You're so strong. It's like you don't have a problem! Or: It seems like you're really enjoying your life. Wish I was you.

Hah. Think again. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. Anytime. Anywhere. Give me a ring, yeah? We'll trade lives.

Whenever I try to tell them my problem, they will always divert the conversation to something happy, to something else. They will ignore my conversation signal starters. They will keep quiet and look uncomfortable, like they don't really wanna listen. They just don't give two fucks whatever you want to say. You will probably say about the same thing. Urghh. Frustrated.

In a nutshell though, they want you to listen to them. They want YOU to give YOUR attention on THEM. They want YOU to waste YOUR precious time and effort for THEM but whenever YOUR in trouble on near the breaking point, THEY will never be around to listen. THEY never give a damn or EFFORT to listen to your problem. Like they never care! URGHH!

Kindly people, please kindly don't bully me around. I had enough of being bullied all my life. I can't take anymore of being used like this. It hurt quite a lot.

But you wouldn't understand. You would probably just say: Oh, the emo speak'th. Ignore mode: ON.

=____= On of these days, I'm going to ignore your call for help and help you suffer.

Qualified

In life, there's always a matter of qualification and certain criteria you need to match. This is in order for you to qualified for the something you applied for. Being the overly not so fair lady that is life, sometimes you have to go through your sad pitiful days at not being qualified for something. Boo Hoo.

In mine, I have many bittersweet experience in this field. 

1. You're not qualified enough to be a perfect child for your father. He went and find new ones.
2. You're not qualified enough to be recognized by your fellow siblings. They ignore you, like you don't have a sister. No birthday wishes. No asking how you did for your exams. Nothing.
3. You're not qualified enough to be a good daughter. Mother always complains about you in front of everyone. You feel freakish. Not perfect enough.
4. You're not qualified enough to be in the Science Stream. Even though there were people with just 1A that still manage to get there.
5. You're not qualified enough to pursue your secret ambition at being a doctor. You're just too dumb.
6. You're not qualified enough to go to a more qualified university. Quote above.
7. You're not qualified enough to get a scholar. You don't do sports. You can't run for your scholar. You're not needy enough. You have parents who hogs all their money to themselves. I know, they deserve it, you don't. You have nothing.
8. You're not qualified enough to get a full loan even. 'Cause your elder siblings are working. Your mom only have you to support for, regardless of your parents' marital status. Your mother and father's income alone can support you to your Masters. These loans are for privileged and qualified individuals. You need to recheck your criteria and see whether you fit the bill, dear. -blinks-

Yep. Joy of life at not being qualified for anything. -headdesk-

I even have dreams about jumping of a building from these topic. :/ 

This needs a few more days for self-misery to gnaw away my bones before I can push it back to the back of mind, like the rest of my more aggrieved emotions. 

Until then... -curlsunderblanketatputsonblairingmusic- 

Leave me alone. 

The Mediator

Or in other words, Talam dua muka. 

-sigh- 

I have good friends and I love all of them! I respect them and their opinions. 

However, it's hard for me when they have something against each other and start throwing faces at each other and you're suddenly forced into a situation where you're the middle person. I don't want to do it, honestly, but sometimes, you ending up agreeing to both even though their thoughts on each other differ as peanut, butter and jelly differ from each other irrevocably.  

-headdesk- Thus, instead of having them find out from someone else, I'm admitting my mistake here. I am only human. I didn't mean to make you think that I say A to you and to someone else, I'll say B. I wanted to appease your angers, agreeing with your comments wholeheartedly while you were at the heat of the moment. Perhaps maybe even discriminating the person you were angered with along with you. 

Truly what I hold in my heart though? I think all of you are awesome, smexy girls, but let's all love and no hate? T_T There may be something I dislike about you, and I know, there are somethings about me that you may not like as well, but please, we're adults, more then capable of a higher level thinking process. Let's act professionally. 

I stutter. Sometimes an arrogant fool. Obnoxiously loud at most. I forget my friend's birthdays, even my fiancee's. I break promises. I hate when I shouldn't. I love when I should focus. I smile at the oddest times. Laugh. Cry. Made mistakes. I live. I feel. 

Just like how you make mistakes, I do too. I forgive. Let bygones be bygones. 

Peace no war, please? And let's not act like little bitches with sarcasm throwing around like daggers? It's making me very sad. :'(

4 years is still far to long a journey to get through, and I don't feel going through that in blood or fire. 

Delayed Reaction

Have you ever had a delayed reaction? Like, someone tried to tell you a joke and it takes you more then the few moments allotted before you finally get it and actually laughed?

If you have, then we're in the same. I just had a major scare fest!

I'm sitting here at my dorm's balcony, listening to music and reading a few articles on the history of English, when I felt something white moving out the corner of my eyes. I immediately twist my head with a snap to my left; to come face to face with a white Siamese cat.

I blinked. She meowed.

I screamed in horror as my brain finally caught up to recent events of my surronding.

Thinking about it now, it was the most hilarious thing I have ever experienced.

She's now happily sleeping on my balcony ledge. ^_^ Silly kitty! Silly Nadia!

Jamuan Hari Raya

In the three years it took to finish my diploma, I had never been even once to UDM's/UniSZA's Raya Celebration. It's not that I don't want to go, I terribly do, but it's just... my friends are the sort that shy away from big social functions. Major loss for me at that time.

However, I'm not going to let this dictate how I live my Degree days. I'm going to live it to the fullest. I want to fall and learn the hard way. No more molly coddling this not so little girl. She needs to grow up. Don't patronize me! I'm different now. I'm a lady! :D

Anyways, back to the story. I went to the Raya celebration. Usually at these type of Raya celebrations, there would be free food, raya music, competitions, you name it! They have it! It was jam packed full of people. @_@;; Not the kind of laid back, non-fussy celebration I was hoping it would be. Why, you say? The sun, high above our heads, was breathing down our necks like a fire breathing dragon. We were sweating purposely like we had run a thousand meter race in our best baju kurung but all we did was stand and wait for our turn to get to the serving table. Simply put, there were hoards of people! Tons!

In a way, it was frustrating. The heat was finally getting to most and many wanted to just take the food and hurry on back to their respective rooms. By this time, people were pushing and glaring at each other. Courtesy was beyond the comprehension of everyone fighting over the morsel of food they have left. The things people would do for food!!

Under the makeshift canopy in front of the new cafe, people were crowding to get under the shade. It seriously felt like all my air supply was cut out from me under that grim canopy. People would think that being under the canopy would be much more cooler...WRONG! All the people trying to crowd in it made the canopy feel like the Sahara Dessert was like child's play. No kidding!

All those bodies pressed up against you, some busty, some curvy, some flat and others more exotic kinds... Had I been a man or a lesbian, I would have thoroughly enjoyed the feel of all those skin contact pressed up against me. =__= Sadly, as I said, I'm not. I felt like raging and shoving them back, hard.

There were definitely too many people, hindering you from moving comfortably, let alone allow you to get to the food! To many to count has my foot become a victim of a deranged stomping rhinoceros bent on having her share of the food. I was pissed beyond describable words!

Seeing my temper was at the ends of it wits, my friend drag me to the back. She said we should just get little stuff like Ketupat, Lemang, etc and just go buy our food at the cafe. I agreed immediately. So, we shoved through and filled our plates (that we found somewhere in the pushing and shoving) to the brim. After, we marched glumly to the only cafe that was open and ate breakfast/lunch there. We ate the things we got at the Raya Celebration at our rooms.

We didn't want to stay too long to enjoy all the signing and other competitions. It was just too damn hot to do so! Well, hopefully the next celebration would yield more favorable and tolerable weather. And more serving stations!

Or we should come as early as possible! ;)

IT Fair and Break Shot

Yesterday, I went to the IT Fair at Terengganu's Trade Center. It was a rather small expo. Not like the PC Fair where they uses exhibition room A and B. For this fair, they just use room A, which inadvertently means less choices. 

I got lots of things at the fair and may be well over spending budget this month. These are just some stuff I've been meaning to get for quite a while. I got a new pendrive, mouse, laptop skin, cooler pad and headphones. Just accessories, really, but it still all surmount to more then RM100. 

Today, was the Bachelor in English society's Break Shot/ExploreRace/Ice breaking session. Each group has some sophomore, juniors and seniors in it. Not forgetting us freshman as well. The overall activity was...horrid fun. There are downsides to it though. I don't even get to know all my group members all that well. Everyone was too busy chasing after the prize to break the ice. -shrug- I have no idea why they think this activity is better suited for a first bonding activity but I'm just a freshie. I'll just sit and observe. I'll get juniors of my own someday. Then, I'll have to feel their agony in having to sacrifice their free time to organise this even. Now though? Bersyukur! :D

Not to say this activity wasn't fun or all that. There were upsides and downsides to it. Just like life, of course! The most hilarious part was the dunking for clues part. The water was mix with flower and eggs. Major Yuckness! The clues are riddles you need to solve which are hard, by the by. Hate riddles! Though, we manage to put our heads together to solve the clues/riddles which were kindda fun. I know Dickens, a sophomore, to be some sort of arrogant sort of dude but I was quick to judge during our first few encounters. He was actually nice and kindda funny!

The most terrible part of the day was when we arrive at one of this check point. After being tired rushing here and there and arriving to a checkpoint where they handed out tea was a blessing. However, my gratitude soon turned into morbid horror when I found out that the tea was spiked with salt! Arghhhhh! YUCK!!! Darn you, seniors! T___T 

It was apparently one of the task and you can't go on if you don't drink the whole cup. The men have to drink a cup and so do us ladies. To me, it felt like forever before I swallowed the icky thing. I kept rolling it in my mouth with big fat tears swelling in my normally small eyes, too horrified to swallow it. They started dishing out bread to help with the process of swallowing. As if! 

Then, some people mentioned that the bread was moldy and stale WHILE I was eating it. -____- I have no idea this was a joke or not but I have no intention of having a confirmation. at. ALL. I just kept thinking, drink, swallow, chew, swallow and repeat process. I made an error when I was chewing on bread and needed something to wash it down with and began drinking the spiked tea only to realize too late that it was spike. The bits of bread that was in my mouth was soiled with salty tea and I had to swallow THAT down. I felt like hurling. It became Frankenstein all of a sudden with a mind of its on! It, the piece of bread, seemed intent in holding firmly at the back of my throat and it didn't look like it want to go down. With incredible effort, which I didn't know I had, I manage to swallow with encouragement from my fellow freshie. 

Untill now, at 2am in the morning, on my bed, I can still FEEL the tangy salty taste of spiked tea at the back of my throat. -shudders- I seriously think I can never get rid of the trauma of drinking tea for awhile. LOL

After it was all over, I get to talk to some more seniors outside of my group and towards the ending, us freshies, had to introduce ourselves. Overall, fun event, wish had more like these! 

Later on in the day, we went out to Hok Kee Seng. I got almost all the stuff I needed but I still manage to forget a few things! That's what happen when you don't write it all down. Apparently, I forgot to get tortoise food for my pet and finding a new, bigger, home for him.

I'm such a bad owner. Oh well! Maybe I'll go tomorrow if I have the time!  

I manage to decorate my side of the room and it has decidedly look more agreeable for living. I just need to organize the clothes in my cupboard, then I am one happy individual. It's getting late, I should be off to bed. Night bloggie! Love your new look, btw. 

xoxoxoxo

Registration, Orientation, Convocation, and Relaxation

And all the other +ion there is in the dictionary. :P

-waves- Heiiiiii bloggy! I misseded you so mux xoxoxoxoox

Finally got my broadband back from home and finally get a chance to overcome my laziness in updating. -grins- I have finally registered as a 'new' student in UniSZA and have undergone the dreadful awesome orientation week. Meet lots of new friends too in my course! They come from almost all parts of Malaysia and many with the same name as mine. Creepy. At times. O_o lol!

Some of the lecturers are not excited to see us oldies continuing here again. It's sort of a personal joke whenever we bump into them. They would wave us of dismissively or run away as fast as they can. It good to see we can still joke with all of 'em!

My overall emotion in furthering my Degree in the same university? D: :( :/ :| :) :P :D

The smileys progress show my reaction best. I was upset at first, devastated at worst but now I'm okay with it. I'm even enjoying all the new friends here. Knowledge is still knowledge anywhere you go. Be it in Penang, KL, Sabah, Kelantan or any other state in Malaysia. At the end of the day, WE are going to be the deciding factor in what we do with the knowledge we have learned. Either we want to be an individual who moves forward or we could be a recluse or a hermit. Ultimately, it's our choice. (Ayat bajet bagus untuk sedapkan hati sendiri)

18th of September marks the day of my Convocation. ^_^ I have finally and officially graduated three years of diploma after slaving working hard for it. Weeeee! Everyone has been super nice, especially my fiancee's family. My mother came into town and his family was too kind in letting her, mom, stay with them. Mom got to save lots since she doesn't have to book a hotel and other expenditures.

At first I was so frustrated that my mother wanted to come. It's cause she's not that strong now to travel such a long distance. However, I'm glad she did. It warmed my heart so much seeing her at my convo. The cherry to the topping was that my fiancee's father looked at me as if he proud of me and even gave me a gift! I truly felt, for a moment, like I had a real father by my side who was proud of my works. This coming from a girl whom grew up without a fathers love and approval, these words means a lot to me.

Now, after 3 weeks of rushing, worrying and thinking, I finally get to relax for awhile and take a break. As in, I could sleep in, concentrate on my classes, hang out and catch up on the latest world issues.

Sadly though, I still have a few worries I have to address soonish. I still have to write up my spending budget. Need to do a few more shopping. Format my laptop. Find a pendrive. Decorate my room. Write up a schedule. @_@ Wow. All involves money.

I wish money grew on trees. Don't chu?

Oh wait.

They're made out of trees. Damn. -_-

Guilty until proven otherwise?

Have you all ever had the feeling that you were being judge by someone? What am I talking about! We're human. So, naturally, we all have. However, have you ever have the feeling that, had you been accused of something you have never done before, say: prostitution, you just want to go out there and do it? Just do what they're accusing you of. Just to irk and defy them? Like, they wanted to think so badly of you in the first place, right? Why not just do it? It'll give you a reason to completely hate them knowing they were right in their accusations. 

Have you? No? 

Well, I have. Not prostitution, of course! Some are good, some are bad. Like, the time when my mother called me dumb. I was so mortified, so upset with myself, that I bent, humiliated, bloodied and sweated my arse to get on the dean's list. Albeit, it was rather half-heartedly, but still, I put more effort into my work and study to prove to my mother that she was absolutely fucking wrong! 

And then, there were harsher times. Times where only choices were ripped out from within my grasps and I just need to scramble for some self control -- something that I can control. Not anyone elses, who ultimately, somehow, enjoy control my fate and life. Suicide. I'm not proud of that. It's a bitter word to be lingering on my tounge and the forefront of my mind. I hate it. Despise people who have tried to take their live away and loathe people who had succeeded and yet, I am one of them. 

Sometimes, you're pushed of the edge not by your own decisions but by others. Hurts. Burns, even. You're feeling helpless. You're a robot. You do what they want you to do. You think what they want you to think. You aren't suppose to have you're own opinion at most times. You're just, nothing, to no one. And that's when you try to prove yourself wrong. There is something, someone, perhaps? That could prove I'm not as worthless, stupid, ugly and monstrous as I feel?

I open my eyes, I see false smiles and fat lies

I close my eyes, I see what I want to see. 

Not what others try to shove, throw, or inflict upon me. 

Given the choice? 

I choose close.

Do I have a choice in doing even that?

No. Not by own choosing.

I have to wait. 

While people all around me decide;

what is best for me.

And all I'm ever allowed is patience. 

As if I had that to begin with. 

XD I promise myself no emo, but I just needed to get that of my chest. 

On the 12th day of waiting, Yahoo brought to me:

3 Spam Messages
2 penpal requests,
2 deviantart notices,
1 eBay message,
1 PTPTN notification,
1 RE:PBH inquiry,
1 Person trying to leave me his inheritance but still manage to get into my inbox,
AND ONE POTTERMORE E-M-A-I-L!

-huggles Yahoo to death-

Oh..wait. You're not alive. O_o

-shrug-

I'm of to start my magical experience!

Be real jealous, guys!

Something festive this way comes

-cringes- A week left to Raya everyone! People all around are getting into the festive mood. The overall cheer is going around e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. Raya songs is bursting through the radio, decorations are going up and people are talking about the holidays.

Me? I can't lie. Deep down it sickens me to see people so happy. I guess I'm stuck with an odd sense of jealousy. I still don't see the point in all the festive cheer. After a month of striving and learning humility, people just give it all away in one single day? Gluttony, lust, envy, pride, anger, sloth. lol. I'm sorry, it's just too hypocritically hilarious.

-shrug- I guess I'm more like Scrooge in that sense. Bah humbug? -smiles sadly- It's been years since I've celebrate it with dad. I had always spent it with mom whom can't even drudge up any single festive spirit if her life dependent on it. -facepalm-

I wish I can understand what it's like but I don't. I seriously don't. Waste money to get decorations. Spend to much on new clothes. Buying to much raya cookies that you are not even going to finish all of them. Gossip and belittle family members at gatherings. I don't get the, to me, false sense of happiness people exudes.

There's no one I'd rather be with during this time of year. Every year, it's still the same. Though, with each year, it varies slightly. Varies, as in, the degree of how much I want to jump of a cliff at that moment. -glares- I'm sure, in a short while, my mom will remind me my dad hadn't called, neither had he bothered to see me. Then there's my whole extended family. They are like this super family that everyone envies. Good kids with good education. Good parents. Good salary. -shrug-  Painful reminder of everything my family, nor I, am not. 

Nevertheless, I wish everyone a very Happy Eid. :) I'm so sorry about me, it's just, I'm always like this every year. And during birthdays. Don't let my moody mood effects your Raya cheer though! Stay safe, friends. And be strong, for we have another week of fasting left. And please don't let temptations dictate how you live your life! :D

Neopian Times

There are times when I do things halfheartedly. Others, well..they were on verges of being forced. So, I suppose they weren't considered heartily(?) at all? -shrug-

Even my studies I do them with half a mind. I'm not always serious. I procrastinate a lot. I've been told and had also realize this myself; that my more then atrocious habits (the procrastination) are going to be my downfall. I can't focus for too long. If I start on something, either I probably won't go through with it, I go through with it but it's such a lousy job or I go through with it only to quit half way.

-wince-

It's a bad habit.

But I want to start and do something for myself. Changing my disgusting habit slowly. I want...to seek out glory and pride that comes with achievement from putting every ounce of blood and sweat you have into something significant to you. And after finally and agonizingly achieving that, I also do not want ANYONE to come up to my face and say: What the hell is this? Mediocre, at best. -whimpers sadly-

That's why I have my eyes set out on the Neopian Times Trophy. I wish to set out to do something and actually follow through with it until I have earned it. It's something insignificant to any of you but I've come to grow rather fond of this shiny pixel-y object. *stares adoringly* It looks something like below. (Which I apparently can't provide currently due to blogger having a certain disgruntled less them amiable thing against my well being) -shrug- However, here's a link. http://images.neopets.com/trophies/107_1.gif

This quill will appear under the userpage of said person who've earned it. http://www.neopets.com/userlookup.phtml?user=i_heart_xweetoks Like this girl. -gestures to link with a tight smile and sighs- It's simple. :( Nevertheless, it's a start. Baby steps, right Nadia? -pets self on the back- I'm sure you'll be able to do this.

Now, I just need to think what to write. Oh, plot bunnies, do you require sacrifices so that you'll appear for me? D:

Convocation

According to the thefreedictionary.com by Farlex, Convocation means:


con·vo·ca·tion  (knv-kshn)

n.

1.

a. The act of convoking.

b. A group of people convoked, especially the members of a college or university community who are assembled for a ceremony.

2. A clerical assembly of the Anglican Church similar to a synod but assembling only when called.

3.

a. An assembly of the clergy and representative laity of a section of a diocese of the Episcopal Church.

b. The district represented at such an assembly.

To university students, it's suppose to be a right of passage, officially marking the end of a fun filled legacy of entertainment, excitement, intelligent sought filled with gastronomical years of struggling to achieve a thin piece of destructable paper saying you are finally qualified to do something petty. In my case, to teach. 

All around facebook, fellow classmates are bursting to the seams with joy at finally getting their Diploma and followed by their equally happy yet atrocious parents. -sneers- Well perhaps my parents are, not theirs. Mine, more specifically my father, thinks it's a waste of time to come. He thinks it's so insignificant. So ludicrous. Heinous. Probably a mockery to his pride to attend. 

In which case, his less then amiable attitude is contagious and I feel like a freak for wanting to go. Nevertheless, I'm bound to go, don't I? I'll further my degree in the same university. It'll seem odd not to go. I wouldn't want it to be anything less then special since it's my special day but it isn't, isn't it? It's just another day. Another hardship I have to endure. It's nothing special. 

Wishlist

There are many things in the world that I wish I could have but obviously don't have the money to purchase them. And here is a list, to boost self morale and deluding myself that someday, I may purchase them.

1. Kindle
2. New Phone - Vivaz or Iphone 5
3. RM10k Gift Vouchers to a bookstore - so I can buy my own bloody books
4. 1st edition set for Harry Potter books (hardcover)
5. A new car - don't care what brand so long its new
6. A house - apartment will do (own, not rented)
7. Laptop - Preferably Apple with original programs (cs3, ms2010, etc)
8. Tablet - High Quality
9. Neopet Premium Account
10. Father's approval before he dies
11. UNIFI
12. A good job (or any - preferably teaching)
13. Write my own book
14. My mother to gtfo my back
15. Have my own business - something to do with fishes or mushroom (for eating cause I love both)
16. Muiscal instruments - Guitar, Piano and Violin
17. Musical lessons
18. Swimming lessons
19. Foreign language lessons - Japanese
20. Someday to live and work in Japan - away from Malaysia (no offense to my country)
21. New glasses
22. A trainer for my health
23. Gym subscription

-thinks harder-

-shrug-

'tis all.

Dreamscape

A woman can do and say anything they want, nevertheless they can't deny that they need something or someone to anchor them to reality. A strength to hold on too. Perhaps some deny this, saying they are strong enough on their own without the need and compulsion to depend on other people.

My question is this: Could you?

Whichever the case may be for you, we are talking about me. I am not such a strong women. My existence and overall sanity wholly depend on people's approval. What ever I do, I expect a thank you or an acknowledgement in some way. I fear rejection to much. I am to far ingrained in this thought process that I can not compute any other way. No motivational speaker, book, or friend has thus succeeded..or tried in achieving a positive result. My will is far to weak and I am far to pathetic in that sense.

How do I overcome it? How do I survive this if I solely depend on people's approval that I never get?

Dreamscape. People try to define it to me in many different ways. Like, an obsession or cowardice. Perhaps just the landscape of a dream. However, I define it is as an escape. A way for me to retain my sanity by being with people in my dream who don't try to dictate the way I should live my life. People whom are genuinely happy to be around me. People, who, pain as for me to admit, does not exist past my dreams. 

When everyone around you, especially those you have loved, come thundering over you, enforcing their will on you, your natural response is to rebel. When they start belittling your being, your very existence, bordering on ignorance, you need to escape. Cause if you don't, you start to believe them. Believe that you are such a worthless human being. I've come to understand that to much overwhelming emotion can literally kill you.

Whenever this happens, often enough, I come to my world. To be me. To keep my sanity. This past three months, I wasted no time in building up walls and going to my safest haven. Have you heard of  Harry Potter? If you do, surely you know of the illustrious Mirror of Erised. They say men has wasted away infront of this mirror. I realize that my Dreamscape is just like this Mirror. It shows me the things I desire the most and I have wasted to much precious time playing with my nonexistent loyal friends.

A part of me ache at the thought that I'm slowly slipping into insanity. However, what else should a girl do? Nobody cares! They can't see the ache, the pain, the anguish, fear or desire. They don't see anything but their petty lives or their needs. Desperation aside, perhaps I am such worthless individual as many claim me to be.

100 - 1 Book List

Copied this of a facebook friend, Chandra.

INSTRUCTIONS: Have you read more than 6 of these books? The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here. Copy this into your NOTES. Bold those books you've read in their entirety, italicize the ones you started but didn't finish or read an excerpt.

And just like her, I don’t know what happened to number #3. Shame, that.

1. Pride and Prejudice -Jane Austen

2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

?

4. Harry Potter Series - JK Rowling

5. To Kill a Mockingbird  -Harper Lee

6. The Bible

7. Wuthering Heights- Emily Bronte

8. 1984 - George Orwell

9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman

10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11. Little Women - Louisa May Alcott

12. Tess D'Ubervilles - Thomas Hardy

13. Catch 22- Joseph Harper

14. Complete Works of Shakespeare

15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

 16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17. Bridsong - Sebastian Faulks

18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Aundrey Niffenegger

20. Middlemarch - George Eliot

21. Gone with the Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens

 24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh

 27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Caroll

30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

 33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

34. Emma - Jane Aunsten

35. Persuasion - Jane Austen

36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis

37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Berniere

39. Memoires of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

41. Animal Farm - George Orwell

 42.The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44. A Prayer of Owen Meaney - John Irving

45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47. Far From the Maddening Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48. The Handmaid's Tale - Maragret Atwood

49. Lord of the Flies - William Goldin

50. Atonement - Ian McEwan

51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52. Dune - Frank Herbert

53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafron

57. A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60. Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66. On the Road - Jack Kerouak

67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68. Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding

69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie

 70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72. Dracula - Bram Stoker

73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson

74. Notes From a Small Island - Bill Bryson

 75. Ulysses - James Joyce

76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath

77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78. Germinal - Emile Zola

79. Vanity Fair - Willaim Makepeace Thackeray

80. Possession - AS Byatt

81. A Chrstmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82. Cloud Atlas - Davis Mitchell

83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker

 84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87. Charlotte's Web - EB White

88. The Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom

89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92. The Little Prince - Antione De Saint-Exupery

93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94. Watership Down - Richard Adams

95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98. Hamlet - Willaim Shakespear

99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Wow, it’s sad to see I don’t read a lot of books after all. Or rather, a wide range of books. -amused- I’m always comfortable in my favorite genre and with new authors (their language style appeals to me then much older English – classic sometime feels like its from a different age – can’t really connect to it) that sometimes moving beyond that, beyond what I’m comfortable reading, makes me squeamish. Nevertheless, I guess I shouldn’t close my mind like this. These listed books are classics for a reason. -admits reluctantly- and probably have to offer me something. -grins-

I shall take up the challenge of reading all the listed books then. ‘cept for the Bible.

:D A goal! At last! A book a week? Yes…hmm…yes, I can find this working for me. Anddddd –whines- I need to start with my extra language study soon. I’m wasting to much valuable time on reading and writing fanfiction. And get back in shape! @_@ I feel like I’m 30. Annnd -grumbles- Studying on my Vocabulary and Grammar. Hard as it for me to admit, my tenses are screwed. It all comes naturally to me and I can’t tell you why the bloody hell it is in past tense, I just know. It’s not going to be an ideal condition for me if I were to pursue in my line of profession.  I’ll draw up a timetable now to get more organized. –nods vigorously-

Random burst of insanity, anyone?

Have you ever felt like you want to suddenly burst into random fits of dancing in the middle of a crowded room? Or just...just..go to a random person and yell "TAG! YOU'RE IT!" and run away manically. Or... maybe...-thinks hard- sing your favorite song of key very very loudly in a quiet place, crossing the street without looking both ways or simply running around with a pair of scissors in your hands! OH! GO UP TO A CLOWN AND SCREAM "IN YOUR FACE, EMO PANDA!"

Oh the temptation. The sweet sweet temptation. Endless possibilities. 

If it weren't for sanity and law enforments...

-sighs dramatically-

Oh, well. :P

Learning to be beautiful in my mistakes

Today in the average life of me, is father's day!!!~ WOW! Happy Father's day to every single one of you beautiful fathers who had never cease in making your child feel like they are more then a million dollars to you!! Hope you guys have a beautiful day. -grins-

Up, down and all around facebook, I encountered beautiful stories of how their beautiful father's have given so much to them. I love all these beautiful stories and hope you guys never stop loving your dads! T o those that didn't get a chance to say Happy Father's day to you dads, papas, fathers, don't worry! I'm sure your dads appreciate the simple thought of you guys continuing to love and pray for him in heaven. Never ever stop loving those you cherish the most!

Well, you guys are probably wondering where's my happy greeting for my dad? Instead of choosing to be a hypocrite, I just simply going to choose not to send any special wishes to said man. I can't be bothered. I know in my heart, he's not my dad. Don't get me wrong, he is my dad but I know my single parent mother is the real dad in my life. I understand it's not fair to feel this way...towards my dad but he chose to stop being my...our superhero...even though he never stop loving us but he still stop being there... and for that, for the unwished birthdays, uncongralutad achievements, the part that is still agonizing suffering aching bruising weakening hurting inside me, still won't forgive him. 

I mean, who walks out of a child's life? That is probably the cruelest thing someone could do to a child but I'm not blaming you dad, you must have had your reasons. Nevertheless, in my friend's words “there are things that can never be forgiven...it's not like we don't want to forgive, it's just that those things are not meant to be forgiven." 

  

I'm going to make something extra special for my mother today, the real father in my life, to honour her for never leaving my side through the bad, ugly, worse, freakish and hellish moment in my life! I’ve learned to wake up, stand up and not take anything at face value. I have learned to be beautiful through my mistakes and for that....

Cheers mom! Happpyyyyyy Father's day to you! :D

So What?

No no no no no! It's not emo, honest! -cross fingers- Hahaha~

It's just P!ink! and it's brilliant. Pswaaaahhh!

It's one of her songs in her album Funhouse. Otay, otay, I'll admit it...it's emo...but it's supper damn upbeat and very catchy. I spent all the battery on my phone this morning just listening to it and then some. My phone is now lying on my mom’s table heaving a sigh of relief right now. XD It is not used to such strenuous work of playing songs over and over again for such a long time...for I must admit; I don’t like to listen to songs for a long time. It makes me lose my focus. Yes, you read that correctly. My neurological capabilities are impaired when I listen to songs, even on volume level 1.

  

What the hell am I talking about? Well, first of, I know that the right door of those damn glass double doors to my mom’s office is lock. Countless times I had gone through this said malevolence piece of- -coughs- door and I know that it is lock. Yes. Nevertheless, what possess me to push this door hard and eventually hitting my forehead on said doors, I may never know. On a lighter note, I provide good entertainment for people waiting for the elevator in front of said door. -grins-

Another reason why I can’t brain well when I listen to music today is when I was heating water. Naw, I didn’t get injured with scalding hot water or anything (it’s not that terrible). It’s just… when I placed the electrical kettle on its plug, I didn’t notice that it caught the plastic that was sitting right next to it in between its plug.

So, I was happily enjoying my music, waiting for my water to heat up and playing a game of FreeCell when my mother walked in and said she smells something…peculiar. Now, I may not be a dog with good sensitized sense of smell, but I can be given the credit of sensing if something is amidst. Or maybe not… I didn’t smell anything and just glared slightly at my mom thinking ‘your paranoia is reaching a new worrisome level, mother’. I then decided to ease my mother’s worry and check this source of mysterious peculiar smell mother is adamant she can smell alongside her. I took out my earphones to listen to my mother ramblings better when it hit me like a brick wall. A horrible burnt smell had decided to attack my senses. I immediately look at the kettle and sure enough, the little piece of plastic that got caught was slightly melted.

Hahaha! I believe my mother deserves an apology? -sheepish look-  I didn’t know my sense of smell  was also messed up due to upbeat songs. Perhaps I focus far too much on the lyrics and rhythm that it simply must requires all my other sense to momentarily hibernate so it can use this energy to help my ears and brains to process this far too captivating tune? Mehhhhhh.

I have to agree with all the other reviewers when they say her song introduction is so strong and straightforward. Really like it. She immediately told everyone her problem and what she’s going to do about it instead of like playing it around with words. Kindda like give a new outlook on breakups from the usual slow sad songs.

I guess I just lost my boyfriend
I don't know where he went
So I'm gonna spend my money
I'm not gonna pay his rent

But what I really loved is the chorus.

So, so what, I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't need you
And guess what, I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done I'm gonna show you tonight

She's saying despite all that, despite him leaving, she's still who she is. He can't change that or change her. Hehhhe~ :) Love this brilliant women!

So what? ;D

Story Time

Geez. I know I have time. Time is all I have but damn it! If I feel like writing, then something awful probably happened. Like when you see an ambulance pass by with their big siren blaring WEEE WOOO WEE WOO WEE WOO! then the first thing you’ll think is that someone is dying somewhere. I guess I associated angst or sadness with writing or probably. I don’t want you think everything coming out of my mouth is related to emo. :D

I am capable of being happy. –coughseventhoughitsoundforcecough- Still happy. Perhaps my bouts of emo are due to having prunes for breakfast today. What? Hei, prunes are horrid. Especially for breakfast! And it doesn’t help that I’m already grumpy being drag to a place where I don’t want to go again, kay? Or the fact that I am now worried for my university applications. Going to make sure I send it in tonight. -sigh- All this though –waves hand gracefully like a noblemen at the crap I had already written- Still doesn’t change the fact, I’ve gone lazy to write. Besides, I don’t wish to taint this new bloggie by my emo. Sooooo, I won’t! You can’t make me!!! Mwhahahahaha! -chuckles-

Thus, an update on my average life. Ready? Now, close your eyes and scroll down. This may be too much for delicate eyes.

Ready?

Wait for it....

Just a sec.........

I FUCKING GOT MY

HARRY POTTER SCARF!!

FUCKKKKK YEAHHH!

Now, that was probably not that bad...right? Other than that, here’s a picture update as to get a grip of what has happened. 

See my new Ravenclaw scarf? Isn’t she preetttyyy? Probably the only thing I own I am bound to bloody love. Seriously, haven’t wore it outside yet but I have whore myself out infront of the mirror with it but seriously, it’s a harry potter scarf!!! –doesacrazydance- Yes, you have the right to be realllllllll  jealous that I'm wayyyy better prepared to finish HP finale with a bang. 

Sorry, my, insanity for Harry Potter has reached a new level. -grins sheepishly- About the scarf though, it came from China and has a very smooth material. Bought it for RM 45.17 –winces- Probably not my money’s worth for a small piece of clothing but hei~ HP~ heh. Moving on. The two kids in pink, they are my favourite little cousins. Spoilt brats but I love them. The picture of food is of something I ate...last week? Fish curry!  One of my favourite foods and hadn't had it in awhile. –grins-

The rest of the picture? I’ll just let them tell their own story.

Oh this? This is a black spinel, finally polished to be a fine jewellery. I wrote a poem bout it. 

Cold nights, lay forgotten, shall I wait.

No lights, left rotten, I remain.

Untill...

What I hear and what I see, are nothing but dreams to me.

What I fear and what I pained, are nothing but yours to gain.

~Black Gemstone

RAVENCLAW HP SCARF

OMG! It's finallly heeeeerreeeee! The dang scarf I ordered from EBAY is HERE!

-runs around dancing-

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAA!

"What are you so excited about? it's just a letter notifying an attempt delivery but no one was home to received the package!" My brother said amusedly.

:O:O:O:O:O:O

WTF!

-dropsdead-

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

I had to wait until we go back home TODAY from mom's work to get my scarf!

T___T

Wait for me Mr. Scarf! I'll come and save you from the post office. -grins-

-bounces of the walls-

WEEEEE~

After a long break, a big surprise!

Hei, I got engaged on the 4th of June. Yay? 

After quite a long break, I come back with such a big news. Who would have thought? Engaged. Sounds unbelievable even to me. And I haven't even got my first job yet~ Well, yes, of course, yay for me! Something I really look forward to, getting a closer step to my precious Mr. K. -smiles- The whole process getting there though? -grimace- Not so good. Well, my family is...difficult and...complicated. -shrug- But who cares about that now! I'm ENGAGED. Be jealous. Be real jealous people. ;D 

Now for a picture. Only a picture. O_o 

dun dun dun dunnnnnnnn! Taadaaa~ 

Our rings! And a picture of me. Yes, I do look like I'm about to throw up because..I was. Almost did but my food decided to stay in my stomach, thank heavens. -does a little dance- So, when will you guys be getting engaged? :)

And when will I be getting my first job!? :O The search continues. 

Let's define Coo00liooo~

Yesterday, I went to my mom's work place.

T_T It was dead boring.

Bo0oo0o0ooreeeEeEeee I tell you! I thought I was going mad. @____@

She kept me there with nothing to do.

I stared of into space and even when that got boring, I stared at the bookshelves.

They were filled to the brim with books of all shapes and sizes. I love books. Books books books. That's all I can think about. I seriously wish to have a secret love affair with one. -blinks- Maybe two affairs. -thinks- Or perhaps marry one someday. Oh! Burried with one. Yeah. That sounds like a nice life. -nods-

But give me an academic book...grrrr...it makes me wanna burn the author who wrote them, reincarnate them, and burn them all over again. Yeah. I hate academic books. A lot. Now, I am surronded left and right by academical books at mom's workplace, which makes me want to burn this place even more. -___- It is by my sheer awesomeness that I didn't. I think some of those bookshelves may have persuaded me not to as well cause they groaned my way due to the amount of books they had to carry. I sympathize dear bookshelves, I really do. Therefore, I bestow upon you, my kindness of not having a book burning right here. I am fond of your kin, bookshelves, so shall I spare thee from thy torture of fire. :P Aren't I kindeth?

I think I'm weired if I'm left to my own devices. Well, that can be blame by nothing actually happening here.

Okay, I'm lying. Something peculiar did, in fact, happened. I met up with a guy I thought I knew. Me being..well me, I just watch my feet as I walk past but I did get a slight look. My slow brain begins to process this new infomation. I gave myself a few hours to think before realizing where I have seen this person. He is my boyfriend's house mate. I have met him before. Geez. I must have made myself look like a dork. Oh well. ;)

Oh and as I was driving (yes, I, was driving) home yesterday, I saw a guy on a motocycle with his friend hugging himself, his arm wrap around his chest till it reach his back. He looks kindda cool to me. Plus, he had this super cool jacket (those leathery kind that makes you look badass) on which accentuates his looks all the more. I then thought 'Why haven't I strike a pose like that before?' I tried walking like that. Needless to say, it drew strange looks coming from a woman. ;)

Soooo..should really re-evalute how I define cool. Hahaha :D It might not be so cool when I do it.

A lullaby that doesn't work

Today, I had the task of babysitting my second nephew, Haziq. -grins- He's a cool cat but he is slightly fussy then his brother Huzaifah was at that age. -amused- His nap time came and went like a tornado. Mother was getting agitated and so was I. @_@ The screaming kindda gets to you after the first hour.

Thus, to conquer this madness, I went to youtube to find a Lullaby and found one by Fisher's price which I embed above. It's real nice and l00o0o0oong. :D Good for putting little baby's to sleep, right? Right...?

Not exactly...

It put us (me and mom) right to sleep. My nephew celebrates. He did. He did this by screaming in my ear after the music stops. I just groaned and replayed the music in hopes he'll fall right asleep, which he did! Thank you for small miracles. :D heh.

How bout you guys? ;) Will it put you to sleep?

P.S If you watch the video, that eye creeps me out. O_o

Nadia

Zombie Apocalypse..Yeah, still here. W00t

It is now May 22nd. No apocalypse. No judgement day~ Oh, don't get me wrong, I don't believe it. It's just something to sweep the whole of US by storm and it's fun to watch them shudder at fake prediction made by someone so senile in his old age and what not.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_apocalypse_saturday

http://www.nowtheendbegins.com/blog/?p=2757

The funny thing is though, something did happen. I'm not usually aware of what day it is so I was definitely unsure what yesterday's date was. I was all hooked by Frodo and Legolas yesterday to actually pay attention to anything else. Though I was still aware that that stupid Apocalypses thing was sometime yesterday or today.

Then, as I was ensnared by good movie magic, the lights went out, the next door neighbor's dog started barking real loud, and the house started rumbling. I was like..damn! In my mind, I still remembered that animals know when a tragedy is about to happen before humans (like when the animals knew about the December 26th Tsunami) and then I was like "Noooooooooo, it's the zombies!" while hiding under my blanket.

5 minutes after?

The lights came back on. There was this huge thundering sound.

Andddddddd yeah.

No apocalypse. @__@

I ain't dead.

lol moment?

I think so.

Camping? You need to get laid. Seriously.

Cleaning..Yuz done iTz wrung!

So, I've finally decided to reorganize all my clothes today and here they all are! After 4 hours of working on them, I'm only 20% done. -chuckles-

I was mildly distracted by the Lord of The Ring movie marathon I'm having...and the fact that I needed to cook dinner. Now, as I'm typing this, there's still this huge mountain of clothes behind me. Oh, don't underestimate the picture. That pile of clothes look bigger in..well..in real life. -nods sagely-

Dinner today was my fav, Ikan Keli Masak Asam Pedas. You can't beat that! It's the absolute most awesome thing in the world. And now I have chest pains. I get those a lot if I ate too many. @_@ And boy did I ate a lot just now. -wince-

I have made a resolution to go jogging tomorrow morning. o.o I'm serious. I'm even going to set an alarm and everything. Hehehe let's see how that turns out right? I need to get some fresh air into my lungs. All the days spending indoors has started making me mellow out into old habits.

Here's to me actually getting up tomorrow, yeah? and actually finish tackling the monstrosity behind me? ;)

Nadia

First post!

Wooooooo? My first blog post for Today in the life of..well me. :) Ain't I fab? So what better way to start it of then with a party! Yay. Going to be making fun fun FUN blueberry cupcakes today and later? Pasta! -grins widely-

I'm not actually new to blogger. I have this old blog which I filled with as much as emo that it could drown Japan better then the tsunami could.. Yeah..that how much emo there was in that blog. Sad, aight? -winces-

Now though? Putting it all behind me. Got a few slap in the face and dozen of reality checks this past few weeks. Annnnndddd well here I am. Gonna try to grow up again but this time, going to grow up in some pure self luvin'! Hey, if you can't beat them, you join them. -winks-

Nadia