Guilty until proven otherwise?

Have you all ever had the feeling that you were being judge by someone? What am I talking about! We're human. So, naturally, we all have. However, have you ever have the feeling that, had you been accused of something you have never done before, say: prostitution, you just want to go out there and do it? Just do what they're accusing you of. Just to irk and defy them? Like, they wanted to think so badly of you in the first place, right? Why not just do it? It'll give you a reason to completely hate them knowing they were right in their accusations. 

Have you? No? 

Well, I have. Not prostitution, of course! Some are good, some are bad. Like, the time when my mother called me dumb. I was so mortified, so upset with myself, that I bent, humiliated, bloodied and sweated my arse to get on the dean's list. Albeit, it was rather half-heartedly, but still, I put more effort into my work and study to prove to my mother that she was absolutely fucking wrong! 

And then, there were harsher times. Times where only choices were ripped out from within my grasps and I just need to scramble for some self control -- something that I can control. Not anyone elses, who ultimately, somehow, enjoy control my fate and life. Suicide. I'm not proud of that. It's a bitter word to be lingering on my tounge and the forefront of my mind. I hate it. Despise people who have tried to take their live away and loathe people who had succeeded and yet, I am one of them. 

Sometimes, you're pushed of the edge not by your own decisions but by others. Hurts. Burns, even. You're feeling helpless. You're a robot. You do what they want you to do. You think what they want you to think. You aren't suppose to have you're own opinion at most times. You're just, nothing, to no one. And that's when you try to prove yourself wrong. There is something, someone, perhaps? That could prove I'm not as worthless, stupid, ugly and monstrous as I feel?

I open my eyes, I see false smiles and fat lies

I close my eyes, I see what I want to see. 

Not what others try to shove, throw, or inflict upon me. 

Given the choice? 

I choose close.

Do I have a choice in doing even that?

No. Not by own choosing.

I have to wait. 

While people all around me decide;

what is best for me.

And all I'm ever allowed is patience. 

As if I had that to begin with. 

XD I promise myself no emo, but I just needed to get that of my chest.