When you ask me how I am today...

When you ask me...if you want to, not that anyone ever does, how I am today, I could tell you quite a lot about me.

I could tell you how I hate myself.
How I look into the mirror and cry but most of all feel disgusted with what I see.
How I scan Facebook everyday and feel that every biting comment is about me.

How I look in the closet and see this is all I am able to wear. 

How I have thought quite a lot about jumping of a building.
How I compare my failures to my friends achievements.
How I go to sleep, begging not to wake up.

How I wait everyday...just waiting.
How I wish I could just disappear.
How I am drifting away from everything.
How I cry so hard, that I can't breathe.

How I desperately need self-control. 

How I'm starting to feel absolutely nothing for my fiancee. 

How I relive my failures in my nightmares and cry about them in my sleep.

How I have to create imaginary friends to feel safe and sound. 

How I came close to death every night by staring at these pills. 

How I longed to hear words of acknowledgement from my father. 

How I am sensitive to people's reaction towards me. 

How I want to just screw everything and give up. 

But I won't. 

When you ask me...if you want to, not that anyone ever does, how I am today, what I would really tell you is "I'm fine" and smile a sweet sad smile while immediately changing the topic. 

I am Wall. Tall and breakable. Hear me crack.

Today in the life me, I'm experiencing a huge major emo moment. I'm so pissed off. However, being me, you can't actually show that you're pissed off. You have to plaster on a happy face for everyone, since I am at Kampung. Besides, my cousin is getting married in two days. I don't want to spoil the mood with my anger or rage.

What am I angry about?

Well, it wasn't due to recent set of events. I'm like a walking time bomb. Events that happens days, months maybe years ago can detonate me any time. In this case, it was due to events that happened...I didn't know when but I'm only starting to get affected by it now. Like, majorly affected.

:(

You start to realize that you're like a wall.

I don't have to describe a wall to you, right? Yup, thought so. Though just for the sake of explaining and explaining only, I'll do so.

A wall is there to hold the structure of your building together. If you don't have walls, then you wouldn't have a home. You are highly dependent on walls. It protects you from prying eyes of the world. It gives you a sense of security. Gives you privacy and protection to your secrets. It gives you comfort from the hail, wind, sleet and snow. It gives you quite a lot and you take it with open hands.

However, do you really notice how walls, given time, will crack and crumble on the inside?

The answer: No.

No, you really don't notice it. You just ignore those walls.

Oh don't get me wrong. You appreciate these walls but you never really notice how they are hurting as well.

Well, fyi world, they do. They really do hurt. They hurt a lot. They need comfort and affection too. They just can't take all your dirty little shits and fucked up life all the fucking time.

Which we come right back to my situation. I always have to listen to people's problems. But, do people listen to mine? No. They keep saying : Oh, Nadia! You're so strong. It's like you don't have a problem! Or: It seems like you're really enjoying your life. Wish I was you.

Hah. Think again. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. Anytime. Anywhere. Give me a ring, yeah? We'll trade lives.

Whenever I try to tell them my problem, they will always divert the conversation to something happy, to something else. They will ignore my conversation signal starters. They will keep quiet and look uncomfortable, like they don't really wanna listen. They just don't give two fucks whatever you want to say. You will probably say about the same thing. Urghh. Frustrated.

In a nutshell though, they want you to listen to them. They want YOU to give YOUR attention on THEM. They want YOU to waste YOUR precious time and effort for THEM but whenever YOUR in trouble on near the breaking point, THEY will never be around to listen. THEY never give a damn or EFFORT to listen to your problem. Like they never care! URGHH!

Kindly people, please kindly don't bully me around. I had enough of being bullied all my life. I can't take anymore of being used like this. It hurt quite a lot.

But you wouldn't understand. You would probably just say: Oh, the emo speak'th. Ignore mode: ON.

=____= On of these days, I'm going to ignore your call for help and help you suffer.