I grew up in an environment where I am always shouted at, ridiculed and belittled. Most people don't get what it feels like to be living under those conditions. I envy those that grew up in an environment with warmth, respect and harmony. If you perceive me from the outside without knowing my background story, you'll probably think I'm just some whiny biatttch who didn't get her way. I'm...not that kind of person you think I am. I'm much more worse.
What I am actually?
Well...
I have a huge temper. I get angry or jealous too easily and lately...I find myself fighting back by screaming and shouting aggressively. I remembered a few years back, I even assaulted my aggressor. Yes, I do have a rage problem, I admit that. I need help, am seeking for it, but nothing seems to be the right sort of solution for me.
Yes, yes. Take your 'air sembahyang' and 'ingat tuhan' works for you but it doesn't seem to be working for me. It makes me guilty and make me think that I'm such a horrible, ugly and vicious monster who don't deserve god's good gracious. Yes, I do think myself as an ugly whore scumbag douche. Yes, I am emo. Yes, I want to change. No, I don't know how, okay?
I'm too sensitive to judgement.
How do you even begin to put water to rage and anger?
How do you quell such a burning fire from deep within?
How do you even get rid of this hate and hurt in your heart?
Right about now...I wish that mental voice inside my head that has always been there to calm me down is an actual living person so they can hug me and I can cry my heart out knowing someone is actually there and that they understand what I'm going through.
Damn, I wish you were real.
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