A very overdue post that was left rotting in my draft. Might as well post it now.
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Today in my Human Communication class, I learned about the stages that are involved in our interpersonal relationships (relationship with others). It's quite revealing in the sense that I hadn't realize that was how we interacted with each other or to the people around us. Well, that's a lie. I had realize it and most of us would have realize it too. It is just that I have no words to describe it before up till today.
The stages include the first initiative contact where we initiate the first throngs of communication with another person. Subsequent involvement follows after. This is where we intensify or put an effort to get to know more about people. This stage is where we self-disclose to another person. Next is the intimacy stage. In this stage, we create a social bonding and commitment to the person we are talking too. In lovers, they share secrets and trusts and in friendship, we could do this by defending our friends and bond with them.
The next few stages is what truly interest me actually. The deterioration stage is quite self-explanatory. We either have a few qualms or dissatisfaction with the other person which results in a deterioration of the relationship at hand. We might feel like talking to the other person or wanting to distance ourselves from them. Sometimes you might even feel uncomfortable talking to them for long periods of time like you're use too.
In this stage, you might either consider Repairing your relationship or Dissolute it. Both are, yet again, self-explanatory. You want to make the relationship work? You repair the broken threads in your relationship. And if that doesn't work, you just severe all ties with that person.
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This chapter in my studies kidda hit a mark somewhere in my soul. Repair or Dissolute? It feels like I'm at that point in my life where I'm working on these two stages with anyone engage in a relationship with me, regardless of them being parent, siblings, friends, foe or fiancee. It's not that I'm pushing people away from me, it's just, I'm really trying my best to understand everyone, to be with everyone. But, I keep thinking, "this happiness won't last." or "I shouldn't enjoy this." or "I'll only be hurt more and pull back to my darkness and misery."
I keep thinking, this isn't what I want for them. I don't want them to be drag along with my deep sense of depression. And to be honest, this isn't want I want for myself either. I want to be free. I don't want anyone to dictate what I should do, where I should go, how I should feel or basically draw our my life for me. I don't like people mapping what should have been my life. I wanted to study literature, but I can't since my mother said no. I wanted to go overseas, but my parents said no. I wanted to transfer to another university but my friends says no. I want to take mandarin for my foreign subject, but my friend says no. I wanted to have a happy family but my fate says no.
I abhor people instructing me what I should do and should not do. I like opinions. Opinions make me feel like I'm part of the equation that is my life. Directions, Orders, or Instructions though? It makes me want to hurt something. I loathe how people don't say "could you please help me!" instead opting for "Help me!" like as in "Hei, help me do this."
And my mind is all jumbled up now.
I'm...feeling rather despondent with my life at the moment. People were so eager to order. To demand. Sometimes, I feel like I have nothing else to give. And now I can't feel anything.
One by one, I try to break free from their grasp but like the sick programmed puppy that I am, I come back to all of them, with a ball in my mouth, expecting them to throw it out again and ask me to fetch it.
Frankly, I am truly disgusted with myself. No backbone. Listless.
Now, I am in no mood to tell you more on my persona projects. Just want to curl up and let Strauss, Wagner and Beethoven lull me into unfeelingness for a short while.
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