Emotional Rollercoaster

Hai,

I have just recently broke of my engagement to the person whom I thought I was going to marry and have kids with. I always had my live planned out for me and finally being free of this, leaves me floored and asking myself; "was it the right decision?"

I feel suffocated at the moment.

I really don't know what to do, but most of all I feel lost.

I'm currently with my partner, whom is a woman. (Yes, I know I'm going to hell for this, so back off). I sincerely loved her dearly, for her and her personality. I just don't know whether my feelings are returned much in the same way by my lover. I hate being unsure. Though most of all, I hate fights. Lately, she has been picking unnecessary fights with me and mostly saying it's my fault.

You know how long I felt like this? Like people always blaming me for a mistake I didn't make or honestly did not intentionally made? 23 fucking years. People placing blame on me or taking out their anger on me is on the top of my hate list. I feel like I want to kill somebody for this. I hate growing bitter and angry. I hate when I turn into that person. I hate when my hand turns very very numb as I hit the wall repeatedly, in utmost rage. People around me like to use me as their scapegoat for anger and this, in turn, makes me a really angry person myself.

Trust me, you don't want to see me when I'm angry. Unless, you like to see what it feels like to be in the back of the ambulances truck.

I'm tired of being angry, lonely and hating every damn thing, dammit! I just want to be loved and understood. Continuously. Is it so much to ask for?

What really hurts my feelings is that, you call someone "wife" but you fail to remember your "wife's" birthday? Or you call someone your future wife, and then give up entirely and not caring one piece of flying fuck until its too late? Fuck you all assholes.

People never change. Regardless of gender. My fiancee and current girlfriend are just the same.

Here, take a heart. Better yet, take my heart. God knows it means nothing to anyone. Oh yes, you can trample on it however much you please. You can even stab it and call many hurtful names as you like. My heart can take a beating.

Fuck...