Guilty until proven otherwise?

Have you all ever had the feeling that you were being judge by someone? What am I talking about! We're human. So, naturally, we all have. However, have you ever have the feeling that, had you been accused of something you have never done before, say: prostitution, you just want to go out there and do it? Just do what they're accusing you of. Just to irk and defy them? Like, they wanted to think so badly of you in the first place, right? Why not just do it? It'll give you a reason to completely hate them knowing they were right in their accusations. 

Have you? No? 

Well, I have. Not prostitution, of course! Some are good, some are bad. Like, the time when my mother called me dumb. I was so mortified, so upset with myself, that I bent, humiliated, bloodied and sweated my arse to get on the dean's list. Albeit, it was rather half-heartedly, but still, I put more effort into my work and study to prove to my mother that she was absolutely fucking wrong! 

And then, there were harsher times. Times where only choices were ripped out from within my grasps and I just need to scramble for some self control -- something that I can control. Not anyone elses, who ultimately, somehow, enjoy control my fate and life. Suicide. I'm not proud of that. It's a bitter word to be lingering on my tounge and the forefront of my mind. I hate it. Despise people who have tried to take their live away and loathe people who had succeeded and yet, I am one of them. 

Sometimes, you're pushed of the edge not by your own decisions but by others. Hurts. Burns, even. You're feeling helpless. You're a robot. You do what they want you to do. You think what they want you to think. You aren't suppose to have you're own opinion at most times. You're just, nothing, to no one. And that's when you try to prove yourself wrong. There is something, someone, perhaps? That could prove I'm not as worthless, stupid, ugly and monstrous as I feel?

I open my eyes, I see false smiles and fat lies

I close my eyes, I see what I want to see. 

Not what others try to shove, throw, or inflict upon me. 

Given the choice? 

I choose close.

Do I have a choice in doing even that?

No. Not by own choosing.

I have to wait. 

While people all around me decide;

what is best for me.

And all I'm ever allowed is patience. 

As if I had that to begin with. 

XD I promise myself no emo, but I just needed to get that of my chest. 

Dreamscape

A woman can do and say anything they want, nevertheless they can't deny that they need something or someone to anchor them to reality. A strength to hold on too. Perhaps some deny this, saying they are strong enough on their own without the need and compulsion to depend on other people.

My question is this: Could you?

Whichever the case may be for you, we are talking about me. I am not such a strong women. My existence and overall sanity wholly depend on people's approval. What ever I do, I expect a thank you or an acknowledgement in some way. I fear rejection to much. I am to far ingrained in this thought process that I can not compute any other way. No motivational speaker, book, or friend has thus succeeded..or tried in achieving a positive result. My will is far to weak and I am far to pathetic in that sense.

How do I overcome it? How do I survive this if I solely depend on people's approval that I never get?

Dreamscape. People try to define it to me in many different ways. Like, an obsession or cowardice. Perhaps just the landscape of a dream. However, I define it is as an escape. A way for me to retain my sanity by being with people in my dream who don't try to dictate the way I should live my life. People whom are genuinely happy to be around me. People, who, pain as for me to admit, does not exist past my dreams. 

When everyone around you, especially those you have loved, come thundering over you, enforcing their will on you, your natural response is to rebel. When they start belittling your being, your very existence, bordering on ignorance, you need to escape. Cause if you don't, you start to believe them. Believe that you are such a worthless human being. I've come to understand that to much overwhelming emotion can literally kill you.

Whenever this happens, often enough, I come to my world. To be me. To keep my sanity. This past three months, I wasted no time in building up walls and going to my safest haven. Have you heard of  Harry Potter? If you do, surely you know of the illustrious Mirror of Erised. They say men has wasted away infront of this mirror. I realize that my Dreamscape is just like this Mirror. It shows me the things I desire the most and I have wasted to much precious time playing with my nonexistent loyal friends.

A part of me ache at the thought that I'm slowly slipping into insanity. However, what else should a girl do? Nobody cares! They can't see the ache, the pain, the anguish, fear or desire. They don't see anything but their petty lives or their needs. Desperation aside, perhaps I am such worthless individual as many claim me to be.