Guilty until proven otherwise?

Have you all ever had the feeling that you were being judge by someone? What am I talking about! We're human. So, naturally, we all have. However, have you ever have the feeling that, had you been accused of something you have never done before, say: prostitution, you just want to go out there and do it? Just do what they're accusing you of. Just to irk and defy them? Like, they wanted to think so badly of you in the first place, right? Why not just do it? It'll give you a reason to completely hate them knowing they were right in their accusations. 

Have you? No? 

Well, I have. Not prostitution, of course! Some are good, some are bad. Like, the time when my mother called me dumb. I was so mortified, so upset with myself, that I bent, humiliated, bloodied and sweated my arse to get on the dean's list. Albeit, it was rather half-heartedly, but still, I put more effort into my work and study to prove to my mother that she was absolutely fucking wrong! 

And then, there were harsher times. Times where only choices were ripped out from within my grasps and I just need to scramble for some self control -- something that I can control. Not anyone elses, who ultimately, somehow, enjoy control my fate and life. Suicide. I'm not proud of that. It's a bitter word to be lingering on my tounge and the forefront of my mind. I hate it. Despise people who have tried to take their live away and loathe people who had succeeded and yet, I am one of them. 

Sometimes, you're pushed of the edge not by your own decisions but by others. Hurts. Burns, even. You're feeling helpless. You're a robot. You do what they want you to do. You think what they want you to think. You aren't suppose to have you're own opinion at most times. You're just, nothing, to no one. And that's when you try to prove yourself wrong. There is something, someone, perhaps? That could prove I'm not as worthless, stupid, ugly and monstrous as I feel?

I open my eyes, I see false smiles and fat lies

I close my eyes, I see what I want to see. 

Not what others try to shove, throw, or inflict upon me. 

Given the choice? 

I choose close.

Do I have a choice in doing even that?

No. Not by own choosing.

I have to wait. 

While people all around me decide;

what is best for me.

And all I'm ever allowed is patience. 

As if I had that to begin with. 

XD I promise myself no emo, but I just needed to get that of my chest. 

On the 12th day of waiting, Yahoo brought to me:

3 Spam Messages
2 penpal requests,
2 deviantart notices,
1 eBay message,
1 PTPTN notification,
1 RE:PBH inquiry,
1 Person trying to leave me his inheritance but still manage to get into my inbox,
AND ONE POTTERMORE E-M-A-I-L!

-huggles Yahoo to death-

Oh..wait. You're not alive. O_o

-shrug-

I'm of to start my magical experience!

Be real jealous, guys!

Something festive this way comes

-cringes- A week left to Raya everyone! People all around are getting into the festive mood. The overall cheer is going around e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. Raya songs is bursting through the radio, decorations are going up and people are talking about the holidays.

Me? I can't lie. Deep down it sickens me to see people so happy. I guess I'm stuck with an odd sense of jealousy. I still don't see the point in all the festive cheer. After a month of striving and learning humility, people just give it all away in one single day? Gluttony, lust, envy, pride, anger, sloth. lol. I'm sorry, it's just too hypocritically hilarious.

-shrug- I guess I'm more like Scrooge in that sense. Bah humbug? -smiles sadly- It's been years since I've celebrate it with dad. I had always spent it with mom whom can't even drudge up any single festive spirit if her life dependent on it. -facepalm-

I wish I can understand what it's like but I don't. I seriously don't. Waste money to get decorations. Spend to much on new clothes. Buying to much raya cookies that you are not even going to finish all of them. Gossip and belittle family members at gatherings. I don't get the, to me, false sense of happiness people exudes.

There's no one I'd rather be with during this time of year. Every year, it's still the same. Though, with each year, it varies slightly. Varies, as in, the degree of how much I want to jump of a cliff at that moment. -glares- I'm sure, in a short while, my mom will remind me my dad hadn't called, neither had he bothered to see me. Then there's my whole extended family. They are like this super family that everyone envies. Good kids with good education. Good parents. Good salary. -shrug-  Painful reminder of everything my family, nor I, am not. 

Nevertheless, I wish everyone a very Happy Eid. :) I'm so sorry about me, it's just, I'm always like this every year. And during birthdays. Don't let my moody mood effects your Raya cheer though! Stay safe, friends. And be strong, for we have another week of fasting left. And please don't let temptations dictate how you live your life! :D

Neopian Times

There are times when I do things halfheartedly. Others, well..they were on verges of being forced. So, I suppose they weren't considered heartily(?) at all? -shrug-

Even my studies I do them with half a mind. I'm not always serious. I procrastinate a lot. I've been told and had also realize this myself; that my more then atrocious habits (the procrastination) are going to be my downfall. I can't focus for too long. If I start on something, either I probably won't go through with it, I go through with it but it's such a lousy job or I go through with it only to quit half way.

-wince-

It's a bad habit.

But I want to start and do something for myself. Changing my disgusting habit slowly. I want...to seek out glory and pride that comes with achievement from putting every ounce of blood and sweat you have into something significant to you. And after finally and agonizingly achieving that, I also do not want ANYONE to come up to my face and say: What the hell is this? Mediocre, at best. -whimpers sadly-

That's why I have my eyes set out on the Neopian Times Trophy. I wish to set out to do something and actually follow through with it until I have earned it. It's something insignificant to any of you but I've come to grow rather fond of this shiny pixel-y object. *stares adoringly* It looks something like below. (Which I apparently can't provide currently due to blogger having a certain disgruntled less them amiable thing against my well being) -shrug- However, here's a link. http://images.neopets.com/trophies/107_1.gif

This quill will appear under the userpage of said person who've earned it. http://www.neopets.com/userlookup.phtml?user=i_heart_xweetoks Like this girl. -gestures to link with a tight smile and sighs- It's simple. :( Nevertheless, it's a start. Baby steps, right Nadia? -pets self on the back- I'm sure you'll be able to do this.

Now, I just need to think what to write. Oh, plot bunnies, do you require sacrifices so that you'll appear for me? D:

Convocation

According to the thefreedictionary.com by Farlex, Convocation means:


con·vo·ca·tion  (knv-kshn)

n.

1.

a. The act of convoking.

b. A group of people convoked, especially the members of a college or university community who are assembled for a ceremony.

2. A clerical assembly of the Anglican Church similar to a synod but assembling only when called.

3.

a. An assembly of the clergy and representative laity of a section of a diocese of the Episcopal Church.

b. The district represented at such an assembly.

To university students, it's suppose to be a right of passage, officially marking the end of a fun filled legacy of entertainment, excitement, intelligent sought filled with gastronomical years of struggling to achieve a thin piece of destructable paper saying you are finally qualified to do something petty. In my case, to teach. 

All around facebook, fellow classmates are bursting to the seams with joy at finally getting their Diploma and followed by their equally happy yet atrocious parents. -sneers- Well perhaps my parents are, not theirs. Mine, more specifically my father, thinks it's a waste of time to come. He thinks it's so insignificant. So ludicrous. Heinous. Probably a mockery to his pride to attend. 

In which case, his less then amiable attitude is contagious and I feel like a freak for wanting to go. Nevertheless, I'm bound to go, don't I? I'll further my degree in the same university. It'll seem odd not to go. I wouldn't want it to be anything less then special since it's my special day but it isn't, isn't it? It's just another day. Another hardship I have to endure. It's nothing special. 

Wishlist

There are many things in the world that I wish I could have but obviously don't have the money to purchase them. And here is a list, to boost self morale and deluding myself that someday, I may purchase them.

1. Kindle
2. New Phone - Vivaz or Iphone 5
3. RM10k Gift Vouchers to a bookstore - so I can buy my own bloody books
4. 1st edition set for Harry Potter books (hardcover)
5. A new car - don't care what brand so long its new
6. A house - apartment will do (own, not rented)
7. Laptop - Preferably Apple with original programs (cs3, ms2010, etc)
8. Tablet - High Quality
9. Neopet Premium Account
10. Father's approval before he dies
11. UNIFI
12. A good job (or any - preferably teaching)
13. Write my own book
14. My mother to gtfo my back
15. Have my own business - something to do with fishes or mushroom (for eating cause I love both)
16. Muiscal instruments - Guitar, Piano and Violin
17. Musical lessons
18. Swimming lessons
19. Foreign language lessons - Japanese
20. Someday to live and work in Japan - away from Malaysia (no offense to my country)
21. New glasses
22. A trainer for my health
23. Gym subscription

-thinks harder-

-shrug-

'tis all.

Dreamscape

A woman can do and say anything they want, nevertheless they can't deny that they need something or someone to anchor them to reality. A strength to hold on too. Perhaps some deny this, saying they are strong enough on their own without the need and compulsion to depend on other people.

My question is this: Could you?

Whichever the case may be for you, we are talking about me. I am not such a strong women. My existence and overall sanity wholly depend on people's approval. What ever I do, I expect a thank you or an acknowledgement in some way. I fear rejection to much. I am to far ingrained in this thought process that I can not compute any other way. No motivational speaker, book, or friend has thus succeeded..or tried in achieving a positive result. My will is far to weak and I am far to pathetic in that sense.

How do I overcome it? How do I survive this if I solely depend on people's approval that I never get?

Dreamscape. People try to define it to me in many different ways. Like, an obsession or cowardice. Perhaps just the landscape of a dream. However, I define it is as an escape. A way for me to retain my sanity by being with people in my dream who don't try to dictate the way I should live my life. People whom are genuinely happy to be around me. People, who, pain as for me to admit, does not exist past my dreams. 

When everyone around you, especially those you have loved, come thundering over you, enforcing their will on you, your natural response is to rebel. When they start belittling your being, your very existence, bordering on ignorance, you need to escape. Cause if you don't, you start to believe them. Believe that you are such a worthless human being. I've come to understand that to much overwhelming emotion can literally kill you.

Whenever this happens, often enough, I come to my world. To be me. To keep my sanity. This past three months, I wasted no time in building up walls and going to my safest haven. Have you heard of  Harry Potter? If you do, surely you know of the illustrious Mirror of Erised. They say men has wasted away infront of this mirror. I realize that my Dreamscape is just like this Mirror. It shows me the things I desire the most and I have wasted to much precious time playing with my nonexistent loyal friends.

A part of me ache at the thought that I'm slowly slipping into insanity. However, what else should a girl do? Nobody cares! They can't see the ache, the pain, the anguish, fear or desire. They don't see anything but their petty lives or their needs. Desperation aside, perhaps I am such worthless individual as many claim me to be.