When you ask me how I am today...

When you ask me...if you want to, not that anyone ever does, how I am today, I could tell you quite a lot about me.

I could tell you how I hate myself.
How I look into the mirror and cry but most of all feel disgusted with what I see.
How I scan Facebook everyday and feel that every biting comment is about me.

How I look in the closet and see this is all I am able to wear. 

How I have thought quite a lot about jumping of a building.
How I compare my failures to my friends achievements.
How I go to sleep, begging not to wake up.

How I wait everyday...just waiting.
How I wish I could just disappear.
How I am drifting away from everything.
How I cry so hard, that I can't breathe.

How I desperately need self-control. 

How I'm starting to feel absolutely nothing for my fiancee. 

How I relive my failures in my nightmares and cry about them in my sleep.

How I have to create imaginary friends to feel safe and sound. 

How I came close to death every night by staring at these pills. 

How I longed to hear words of acknowledgement from my father. 

How I am sensitive to people's reaction towards me. 

How I want to just screw everything and give up. 

But I won't. 

When you ask me...if you want to, not that anyone ever does, how I am today, what I would really tell you is "I'm fine" and smile a sweet sad smile while immediately changing the topic.